I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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