John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
