I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
