Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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