weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
