If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Damn victory sex feels great
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
