your parents love me but you hate me
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
