im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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