if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
