wrigley field is MILF paradise
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
