Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
this boner is exhausting
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
