we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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