oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
