I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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