Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
did you just send me my own nude
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
