Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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