"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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