Cold hands, warm shart.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
