areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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