U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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