Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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