I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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