weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
