Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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