yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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