You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Someone signed my nipple.
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