"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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