the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
