"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
