Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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