they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
