the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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