It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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