Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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