The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
