I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
