2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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