I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
