you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
