Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
