A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
