Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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