I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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