she looked like the bat from fern gully.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
