just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
