your thong is hanging out like whoa
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
