dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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