They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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