I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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