I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
