I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
